Fading

When I turned twelve, my life suffered a drastic change. I moved to a new city, mostly looking for a new lifestyle, a better education and more opportunities. I entered a new school and met new people, and I think at first I was very open to new friendships. But as time passed and I really started to see how different my life was, I suddenly found myself crying every night, wishing I could go back, wishing that something would come up so that I wouldn’t have to go to school the next morning.  I felt alone, with a lurid feeling inside me, and I missed my friends more than anything. Although I still talked to them and whenever we went back to visit, we would hang out, our relationship was never the same. It just got worse with time. Each day, we would talk less than the day before. It was like that with all of them, but the one that for sure ripped my heart apart was my best friend Gabriel. He started acting really weir and different, as if I had done something wrong. Whenever I asked him if there was something going on, he would tell me everything was fine.
One time, I went to my old home for the weekend. Mike and I went to the lake, as usual and we were sitting next to each other, appreciating the amazing sunset for what might have been the millionth time.  As I sat there, I started to wonder how, even though our life, out habits, our friends and even we can change, some things never will. Watching the sun fall behind those two mountains, I realized how beautiful this scene was. Flashbacks started to flow through my mind, sort of like the way the waves in front of me did. I had spent my whole life watching that same scene and I had never realized how much it meant to me. I didn’t want to leave, ever. I just wanted to leave my sadness and every little thing that was affecting me there. Leave it there and let it sink under that big pool of water. I didn’t want to hear people telling me the same “Everything will get better” I had been hearing the past month, I just wanted to hear the waves crashing against the shore.  I didn’t want to breathe the city buses’ gray, dirty smoke, I wanted to breathe fresh air. I didn’t want to see traffic and buildings, I wanted see the same sun set I had been watching since I was a little kid. I didn’t want to feel anything but water running through my feet. This felt like home. That was the feeling I had been missing all this time.
Gabriel’s voice broke my concentration all of a sudden. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I felt so close to him, so safe. I felt like he understood, and I hadn’t even said anything yet. “It is” I replied, honestly.
We talked for hours, until it was dark. I cried practically the whole time. I could see how hard he was trying to hold his tears back, but after a while, he just gave in.
Little rain drops started to fall, melting with my tears, the same way it did with Gabriel’s.  I still remember what he told me that night. “You know how great we are, Des, you know I love you and that you are my best friend. I’ve missed you like you can’t imagine, but you also know things are different now, people move on and change.” He stopped talking for just a second, and then continued. “I’m not saying we have to stop being friends, but the truth is we won’t be able to be that close. I want you to know, still, that no matter what, I’ll be here for you whenever you need me and that I will always love you.”
My heart ached and I felt horrible because, deep inside, I knew he was right. Things change and its part of life. We can’t do anything about the fact that change and movement constitutes the reality of our being and that we are constantly in process of becoming something else, of growing. At the end, it’s part of what makes us who we are.
Our relationship did change after that, but I still remember that cold night of February, where I laid in his arms, knowing that no matter what, we would always be there for each other, forever.